Saturday 29 June 2019.
I woke up at 7:30 because my mom asked me if i still have coffe. Yesterday she arrived from Romania and she will stay with me and my sister, Mihaela, for a couple of weeks doing some medical controls. Some years ago she had two heart operations and now she’s under observation. She’s an early bird who likes to woke up everyone. And she likes coffe. That’s why she asked me if I still have the coffe that she left here last summer. I don’t drink coffe, so yes, the coffe is still there, where she left it. After she drank her coffe ( I don’t know how many time I will write this word here today ) she decided together with my sister, to go visit the other sister, Lucia, who’s expecting a baby. In a few days it should come out.
So I’m home alone on 33 celsius degree outside and no air conditioner inside, in my first day of period. I have cramps that hurt like hell, I’m all sweaty, but worst than period cramps is the depression that hits me hard every month. Everything turns black and nothing makes sense anymore. Things that makes me happy in a normal day, are pointless and hard to deal with in a period day. I’m sad, and when I’m sad the expression of my face changes in something ugly. I can’t fake smiles because my eyes are telling the truth. I want to eat and I don’t want to eat, I would like to sleep to avoid being present to live, but the heat and the cramps won’t let me so I have to be present and listen to all the negative thoughts that my brain won’t stop creating.
I’m sagittarius and that makes of me a very enthusiastic person, always creating, always inspired, very optimistic, non violent, trust worthy and so on, but on period days I’m the exact opposite of all the things enumerated here. So just like that, with every blood drop that leaves my body, every hope and dream is starting to vanish and making me feel a nothingness. Every plan and strategy I use to reach my goals seems futile. And I hate that. Because nothing keeps me alive more than the sense I give to it with my projects, my goals…And when all these are being seen in a dark, ugly, hopeless light I simply collapse. If I don’t have the hope that I will succeed then I have nothing. And all that my brain is telling me this morning is that I can’t succeed. It’s too late. I should have started earlier. I should have discovered earlier all the strategies that now don’t work anymore. I’m always late to success. But why do I desire success so much? And what success means to me?